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My wife and I are both 41 and parents to three children. Our love life is nonexistent. I have been realistic and patient, but she says that the thought of any physical contact at all makes her feel physically sick. She has suggested that I sleep with other people, which I will never do as the only person I want is her.
There is a significant difference between “I’m too tired for sex” and “Touching makes me physically sick”. You are right to be concerned and it would be wise to address this problem comprehensively. Start by acknowledging what you already know: that parenthood and work can be overwhelming. Next, express your deep feelings – your sadness, frustration and sense of loss. Ask her to do the same. It is important to get her attention, and to ask for exactly what you need. It may be best to set an immediately attainable goal of simply being able to discuss your relationship. Many couples get off track, and it can be painful when passion and eroticism get lost. Your task together is to begin to relate to each other as lovers. She has forgotten what this was like, so help reawaken her sense of who she used to be. It is also possible that unconscious elements from her own early experiences could be affecting her ability to comfortably combine the roles of motherhood and sexual partnering; so, if you make little headway, seek professional help.
