I told my husband that I was in love with him exactly seven weeks after I met him. I’d had a bottle of wine, survived a traumatic hen party, and emotions were running high – but happily, he felt the same way. I knew we’d moved fairly fast, but I didn’t realise quite how fast until I read new research from Match.com claiming that most couples wait until they have been dating for five months – 144 days on average – to say those words. The study also says that the majority of couples will get married after three years, a third of us will wait a month until we’ll undress in front of our partner with the lights on, and five and a half months is the typical time to go “Facebook official”.
But what about the other relationship milestones? The ones that you might not tell your mum about, but that feel every bit as emotionally significant as vows and a ring? Here are the unofficial relationship landmarks that we don’t talk about, but matter just as much:
Three months: letting them see you without your contact lenses
The first part of a relationship is a battle between vanity and practicality, regardless of gender. This isn’t just about not letting your new love see you without makeup – but about silently sprinting to the bathroom every morning to convince them that you wake up smelling of roses and tasting of Aquafresh. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve slept in my contacts and contracted conjunctivitis, because I feared the man would stop fancying me if they saw me in specs. After three months you stop worrying about being a sight for sore eyes, and just get sick of having sore eyes.
Four months: eating something messy in their presence
In the beginning it’s all posh pop-ups and giggling over raw seaweed soup served in mason jars, but there comes a time when you have to show your partner the real you – a glutton with a melted cheese addiction who usually drops a minimum of 30% of their food down their shirt. If I really like someone, I suggest that we go out for Mexican food before the six-month mark. I don’t want to get serious only to get dumped as soon as they’ve seen me eating a burrito.
Five months: getting them to go to Boots for you
As you start to fall for each other, you begin to acknowledge that your bodies are not just smooth, scented, red hot love machines, and your trips to the chemist evolve so that the bumper box of Durex is the least embarrassing thing in your basket. This isn’t just about tampons – you know it’s love when they’ll buy your Regaine, moustache bleach and constipation aids.
Six months: sharing phone passcodes
This is much more serious (and less legally problematic) than swapping PIN numbers, and it stops drivers and navigators from having serious fights over Google maps. As your lives start to intertwine, you need occasional access to each other’s email, and you might need to WhatsApp their mum while they’re in the shower or post pictures to their Instagram while they’re posing in an unusually big hat. If things are getting super serious, you can add their fingerprints to your Touch ID.
Eight months: going on holiday together and using the loo in the hotel room
Years ago, a boyfriend baffled me on a romantic trip to Florence because he left the hotel to buy postcards every single morning. I started to worry that he had a secret girlfriend based at another B&B, but after some probing I learned that he was trying to keep the romance alive by using the facilities at the coffee shop over the road. At the eight month mark, there is no longer any need to maintain this level of pretence, and it’s normal for your lover to lock themselves in the en suite with the newspaper.
One year: slagging off their parents in front of them
In the first flush of love, when you’re trying to impress, your partner’s parents can do no wrong, even if you see them being sexist, racist, or in the case of my poor husband, trying to kill a live rat with a hammer. (Our cat had maimed it, my mother felt she was delivering a merciful death blow.) However, after 12 months you’re allowed to make like an unimaginative school child and throw the odd “your mum” into any argument.
14 months: buying insurance together
It’s the first step to a lasting legal union – not an engagement, but a document that means you’re jointly liable for something and have to know about each other’s middle names and pre-existing medical conditions. However, you can still leave them if they insist on buying it from a site that will send them a free toy.
18 months: having a fight at a wedding
When you’re a brand new couple, other people’s weddings are a joy. You’re ambassadors for love, and you’re spreading the smug vibes more enthusiastically than the mother of the bride is hanging vintage hessian bunting. However, you know you’re a real couple when you’re drunkenly screaming, “Why do you never look at me like that?” and “Did you have a thing with the best man?” before the speeches have ended.
Write a comment
...
